This list of oddball complaints from managers about their employees reminds us that, in the workplace, everybody's crazy but you and me, and I'm starting to worry about you.

My construction executive father-in-law once employed an engineer who the IT people dinged for looking at Internet porn, at work. The young man was called in, informed that Internet porn-gazing was against company policy.

The next week, IT detected more of the same from the engineer's computer. This time, he was called in and warned if it happened again, it would mean termination.

That was a Friday. On Monday, they found the employee's desk cleaned off and a post-it on his computer:

"If I can't look at porn, I don't want to work here."

Hey, I've worked for publishers my whole life. I could tell you about employees who got married in the conference room, the accountant who threw away customers' checks because she didn't want to put them into the system, a CEO who choked a telephone repairman, an employee who got drunk at the Christmas party and started sucking out of the keg tube … oh, I told that one last week.

You got any good ones for me?

Almost five years ago on another blog I wrote about a massively important problem facing the communication profession:

Luckily, the "search and replace" function allows me to remove all
the extra spaces fairly quickly. But I'm terribly annoyed every time it
says, "Word has completed its search of the document and has made 157
replacements."

I'm annoyed because I don't understand why professional writers
haven't been able to make this small adjustment in the quarter-century
since we stopped using typewriters.

Well I'm happy to report that my qualitative longitudinal study has yielded a more favorable dubious statistic. We're down to four out of 10 professional writers who are still kickin' it old-school, period, space space.

Aside from being potentially bogus, the hopeful statistic also fails to recognize that the remaining two-space cadets are a hardened and hopeless crew.

Witness the response of a communication director when her editor gently suggested that two spaces are one too many:

"Are you calling me old because I learned on a typewriter or just trying to torture me into changing a VERY OLD HABIT??? Yes—I can give it a try.  I can keep you posted on how painful it is, too."

And yes, there were two spaces after the period after "try."

Boots readers, help a colleague become less spacey. Tell us how you've made this change. (Or on what basis you flat-out refuse!)

I think I struck a blow for civilization last week, or at least blocked one against it.

A guy writes to Vital Speeches hoping we'll help him hawk his book, Your Daily Shakespeare—an Arsenal of Verbal Weapons to Drive Your Friends into Action and your Enemies into Despair.

Among the book's attributes: "It is a collection of over 10,000 (ten thousand) daily situations connected to a befitting Shakespearean quotation. … It is a fertile and inexhaustible resource for any public speaker. … The tome has 1400 pages, double column, small font and it weighs 3.5 lbs."

My reply: "I must say that I do not think your book is of interest to me or my readers. Call us hayseeds, but we try to avoid being dismissed as windbags who lean on Shakespeare quotations like drunkards to lampposts. It's bad enough when people who actually read Shakespeare quote him frequently. Coming from those who would rely on a resource like the one you have created must be insufferable! … [W]hat good could you possibly hope to do with this resource? And what social harm are you willing to risk in return?"

Of course he wrote me back, quoting King Lear, King Henry IV, All's Well that Ends Well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

The whole thing reminds me of speechwriting guru Jerry Tarver's noble rule against quoting Alexis de Tocqueville in business speeches: "No Quote de Tocque."

Speakers, quit quoting dead people and say something interesting yourself for once.