"We owe you an apology – we goofed" was the subject line of an email I got last week from Kimpton Hotels & Restaurants.
"Dear Friend," the message began. Not remembering when exactly I stayed at a Kimpton hotel or why I began being plagued with its emails, I already had my back up.
"There's nothing to say other than; we messed up. We know that your email inbox is already full at best and emails are tough to sift through. We didn't mean to make it worse by sending you a number of the same email! Our team was aghast when we learned of our mistake, and assure you that we'll do everything in our power to ensure it won't happen again. Our email gurus are on it!"
First of all, your use of the semicolon is semi-literate. "Full at best"? That's awkward at best. "A number of the same email!"? You don't know the number? Your "email gurus"? What are email gurus (aside from being the poor goofs, real or mythological, that you just threw under the bus)?
Buy the next line is the unforgivable one: "Still love us?"
The letter goes on, but I didn't.
To Maggie Lang, Sr. Director, Loyalty & Relationship Marketing, please know this: There is no such thing as a compelling generic group apology. And if you're forced to make one, it should contain no exclamation marks. And assuming continuing "love," even in BFFy slangy jesty Twitterish jokey Gen Y chit-chat talk, on behalf of the aggrieved party—well, it makes me wonder what sort of mind-blowing nitwit gave you that bogus title of yours.
David Murray, Friend
Of course I sent all of the above to Ms. Lang for her response. Her surprising reply will appear tomorrow. —DM