Gosh, we tell each other a lot of nonsense.
The LinkedIn e-mail comes from Kandy P., who "indicated you are a Past Colleague at Freelance."
A "colleague," at "freelance"?
"Since you are a person I trust, I wanted to invite you to join my network on LinkedIn."
Since I've never heard of Kandy—or anybody named Kandy—I'm forced to proceed to her profile, to see whether she might actually have some thin claim to connect with me. (Though I like to be as strict as possible about limiting LinkedIn contacts to people with whom I have actually had a professional connection, I make exceptions if it's a speechwriter or a fellow tribesperson from another obscure island.)
"I am an expert in the evolving digital dynamics of marketing communications," said Kandy's LinkedIn profile. Another sentence built on a banana peel. How can one be an "expert" on something that is "evolving"? One can have an interest in, an instinct for, a desire to capitalize on "evolving digital dynamics." But if the fuckers are actually evolving (and truly dynamic), you can't be an expert on them.
Alas, Kandy is only klearing her throat.
"My distinct approach to marketing communications is in understanding who my target audience is and delivering a profitable value proposition through efficient mediums to generate favorable customer behavior and heighten brand visibility."
I read that three times: Sober, drunk and stoned. Stoned is best.
Kandy goes on to discuss her inner passions, the spiritual wellspring that carried her from her mother's womb to her cubical at a company called Crews Control, which provides camera crews for companies that need them.
"Apart from managing social marketing communications, she enjoys hosting cocktail parties, singing country western hits at 'Gong Show' karaoke, and the great outdoors. Don't let the suit fool you, 'Kandy with a K' is a country girl with urban swagger. While she has 15 years of experience in marketing, at one time she loved her work as a marine tig welder."
Actually, that's her bio on the Crews Control website, which seems to belie Kandy's LinkedIn claim that the firm has 1,000-5,000 employees. It seems the Crews Control workforce is closer to a dozen people (apparently recruited mostly for their far-out names. Team members include comptroller Bonnie Sneeringer, production manager Cricket Capucci and assistant production manager Brad Spinsby).
Back on LinkedIn, the cocktail party-hosting, country karaoke-singing erstwhile tig welder sums up her new passion this way:
"I enjoy effectively and creatively communicating the vision of a company in a way that is meaningful—and above all else, profitably engaging to its target audiences. My creativity is derived from analytical and quantitative problem-solving skills and by continuously broadening my awareness from what is happening in marketing, media and communications right now. I have progressive experience in managing the intricate network of online presence; user experience (functionality and aesthetics), social media (community engagement), content optimization (SEO/SEM/metadata), CMS, analytics, and narration of performance reporting."
How did this woman get in here? I can't believe I gave my secretary the career off.
I hate the number that our bogus "information economy" has done on honest country girls, and other people. I believe it when Kandy says she loved tig welding. A tig welder has a gloved grip on her torch and a real job to do. As opposed to what Kandy has now: a desperate white-knuckled grasp on a gaseous cloud of a professional niche that won't even exist 10 years from now.
If Kandy likes country music, she knows damn well what honest sentences sound like. And for that matter, she knows what human connections feel like. And no, her suit doesn't fool us, any more than her blather about evolving digital dynamics.
It's bullshit, Kandy. And it's bad for you.