All e-mail treachery begins with the words, "Quick question."

Whereas Spiro Agnew criticised "the nattering nabobs of negativism," I prefer to pillory the prattling pipsqueaks of positivism.

Once the Philadelphia Phillies first baseman John Kruk was sitting at a sidewalk beer garden drinking beer and smoking a cigarette in all of his Ruthian obesity.

"And you call yourself an athlete!" sniffed a woman passing by.

"Lady, I'm not an athlete," Kruk came back, "I'm a baseball player."

In a similar mood, it occured to me the other day as I cursed the limitations of my own intellect:

I'm not a thinker, Goddamnit. I'm a writer.