Multiple choice obligatory anniversary message to husband. Choose one: A.) blah blah blah best friend B.) something something best decision, ever C.) thanks for all the x, y, z … winky-smiley, heart D.) suck it
How slowly you walk in front of me will determine the swiftness and severity of your murder. So keep chatting, asshole.
If I say I find you morbidly amusing, it's only because I would get a good laugh out of murdering you.
My husband bought cheap coffee, so I can either cry about it or kill everyone in my path. And gosh, I'm not wearing my waterproof mascara.
I tried meatless sausage for dinner. I highly recommend it if you've completely given up on happiness.
I went out of the house looking like PigPen's sister. It's like I've completely given up on myself. Just kidding, I gave up a long time ago.
I wonder if you'd feel as confident dishing out your dirty looks if you knew your fly was open?
Is there an emoticon that says, "your passive aggressive winky face can eat a bag of shit"? Just wondering.
I took a picture of a rainbow in the city. Now, I probably need to nutpunch someone to maintain my street cred. Life is hard.