The Murrays got a puppy. I'd like to introduce him, and then we'll talk about him.
Cute little fellow.
Yeah, yeah. Within the first week:
I had spent $1,000 on the dog and on Bullshit Sprays, Piss Pads, Special Baggies, Gourmet Food and Other Stuff That Dog Owners Didn't Need Until PetSmart Told Them They Needed®.
I had felt the warm ooze of Charlie's shit between my bare toes.
I had mopped up Charlie's piss maybe a dozen times.
Only a dozen, because I'd taken Charlie down the three flights of stairs probably 60 times.
I had bellowed "no" several hundred times.
I had lain awake for hours waiting for Charlie to stop barking from his cage. I can tell you that he barks at the rate of 62 times per minute.
Sleep deprived, I had gotten into an e-mail argument with Scout's Aunt Susy, who feels strongly that I should refer to the cage as a "kennel," because "cage sounds like the zoo." How does gulag grab you?
I had risen seven mornings before sunup to take Charlie out.
I had had a conversation about "buyer's remorse" with my wife. Tyranically but sincerely, I told her the thought, however natural, is simply unacceptable.
I had missed five workouts, unable to leave Charlie at the house to go running, unwilling to drag him down the sidewalk as I jogged. (Finally, I got over it, and now drag him down the sidewalk.)
My wife told me I need to be "strategic" about when I wrestle with him, "So he knows when it's OK to bite." I told her I didn't know what "strategic" meant in this context. She said, "Like, maybe just don't wrestle with him at all."
I had told Scout she mustn't run from Charlie when he nips at her. She continues to run from Charlie every time he nips at her. "I'm scared!"
(Oh, and don't think I don't know you're finding fault with my leadership already; I use the word "I" too much, and "we" too little. Well I'm running a three-ring circus here, and I don't have time to play tiddlywinks with everybody's ego.)
I have my strategies—for potty training, and less urgent forms of obedience—and I'm sticking to them, and demanding that everyone in the household sticks to them. But do I know they're going to work? No, and so I furtively check the websites of pet "experts" to see if they've got any other strategies that might work better.
I think I know how a CEO feels.
Helpless, put-upon, a little scared … and sorry for himself.
And with absolutely no moral justification.
And if you think I'm some kind of ogre, you can go to hell. Or tune in tomorrow for the second part of "Speaking truth to power: talking to myself," and find out what an ogre really is.
OMG!!! Laughing hysterically reading this!!!
I’m not sure which is funnier: the “strategic” discussion with Cristy, or the crack about running a three-ring circus!!
I know it won’t be any consolation, but every new puppy owner in the world goes through this same shit, David. Stick with your plan and consistency WILL get Charlie [adorable, cute-squared Charlie] with the program eventually.
Thanks for starting my Monday with a fit of the giggles!!
Man up David, but it is nice to know that Scout likes Carol King. She has good taste.
I’ve called Animal Rescue. They’ll be there soon.
The great Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, says dogs need three things, in this order:
1. Discipline
2. Exercise
3. Affection
Always remember that, and you’ll be okay. Though why anyone who lives three flights up in the city with no yard would get a dog is mind boggling.
We’ll have to talk about that tonight, over beers.
Steve C.
I’ve called Animal Rescue. They’ll be there soon.
The great Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, says dogs need three things, in this order:
1. Discipline
2. Exercise
3. Affection
Always remember that, and you’ll be okay. Though why anyone who lives three flights up in the city with no yard would get a dog is mind boggling.
We’ll have to talk about that tonight, over beers.
Steve C.
I’ve called Animal Rescue. They’ll be there soon.
The great Dog Whisperer, Cesar Milan, says dogs need three things, in this order:
1. Discipline
2. Exercise
3. Affection
Always remember that, and you’ll be okay. Though why anyone who lives three flights up in the city with no yard would get a dog is mind boggling.
We’ll have to talk about that tonight, over beers.
Steve C.
Let’s talk about anything but that. Healthcare reform. Financial reform. DADT. Anything but why a person who lives three flights up in the city with no yard would get a dog.
Steve & David: Whatev. After a few beers you won’t remember what the hell you talked about anyway, will you??
Have fun!
We’re at the other end of the canine spectrum — just put the pet of 14 years to sleep. If I had it to do all over again — I’d do it. Gladly.
But I’m still a basket case over what was supposed to have been the kid’s dog.
Kristen, Steve and I forget. But we never forgive.
Yes, Glynn, I went through that with our last Springer, a couple of years ago.
Swore I’d never do it again.
(The heart, too, forgets.)
David, great to see you giving a beautiful dog a home. It’s like having a newborn. You’ll get through it, and it will be wonderful.
Our dog, Annie, is 15 now. Still spry, but I’m already dreading the day …
Glynn Young wrote some really good stuff about his dog, Cody. I’m sure you saw it.
Enjoy your dog, enjoy your daughter, as I enjoy your posts.
Scout is so cute in this video I can barely stand it. Especially how she drags out the tomorrrrrrrrrrrrooooooow at the end.
Priceless David. I’m still laughing.
But I have a solution to your problem…
get a second dog!
It’s easier than taking care of just one. Really.
That’s what someone told me and I believed them. If you believe me, we can share the pain.
Lorne