Fear and loathing at the lectern

We knew it all along: The answer to stage fright is drugs.

From the website of an outfit hawking a new drug called Bravina:

"Those who suffer from public speaking anxiety often complain of symptoms such as anxiety…"

Well, yes.

"… nervousness, anxiousness …"

Go on!

"… lack of focus or concentration, short term memory loss, increased heart rate, dizziness and shortness of breath."

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

"However, with adequate writing, preparation and specific natural supplements public speaking anxiety can be overcome."

Yes!

"Individual results with Bravina will vary; as a result, try Bravina for the first time in a controlled environment when you are not in the spotlight. When taking Bravina without public speaking anxiety you may feel a little lethargic, don't worry your stage fright on the day of your public speaking engagement will balance out the calming effects of Bravina."

And only $19.95 for this Hunter S. Thompsonian concoction of "passiflora, motherwort, St. John's wort, ashwagandha, Valerian root, Eleuthero root, panax, ginkgo biloba, and octacosanol."

It's a miracle.

Or at least it would be, were it not for that dirty little bit in the fine print about the need for "adequate writing" and "preparation."

Reminds me of my friend Eddie, who asked my pal Paul if a smoking-cessation aid he was using actually worked.

"Well, Eddie, you do have to want to quit smoking."

"Yeah," Eddie said shaking his head, "I knew it didn't work."

(Thanks to Podium Pundit Vinca LaFleur for the steer.)