My language-sensitive friend Suzanne Ecklund e-mailed me the other day, hoping e-loud that I would share her consternation at the reluctance of the "under-40 crowd" to say, "You're welcome."
Instead, it's "no problem."
I have feelings about this, but they're not as much outrage as perplexed sadness.
I think this discomfort with the traditional thank you/you're welcome transaction betrays confusion about who we are, what we deserve to get from one another and what we are responsible to give.
In the dark about all of that, and thus afraid to owe or to be owed, we try to turn every interaction into a neutral trade. Every transaction is a "win-win," every teacher learns just as much from the students, and every kindness wasn't a kindness at all. It was, instead, "no problem." (Or, as a sweet-voiced Australian hotelier once said in words poetic to these ears of mine, "Not a worry, mistah Murray.")
I'd like to declare myself above this syndrome, but hell, I haven't been 40 for long and just today I ran a piece of equipment across town for someone who needed it. When he thanked me I said, "Oh, no worries. It was actually a nice motorcycle ride over here."
That was true.
But it was also true that he had apologetically asked a favor and had thanked me for doing it, and it was my social duty to say, before "no worries" and the gracious motorcycle anecdote, "You're welcome."
Why are we afraid of such modest intimacy? And why are the younger of us more afraid than the older?
I sit next to a Serbian at work and it’s so refreshing to hear him end every phone conversation with “You are welcome.”
Not some effed-up version of “Hey, it’s cool, man. Didn’t kill me or anything.”
I was once told that saying “no problem” actually implied that it was an inconvenience.
My Mom always jokes that whenever someone at work tells her something’s “No problem” she pretty much knows there’s GONNA be a problem.
I’m sure it’s a generational thing, but I just find it depressing that simple manners seem to have gone the way of the dinosaur.
Seriously, how would it kill these kids to say “Please”, “thank-you” and “your welcome”?!?!
Well, Kristen, I don’t think this is a manners issue. I think there are no ill intentions by people who say “no problem,” no rudeness intended.
As I say, I think it’s a larger issue, having to do with an aversion to owe one another, and to be owed.
This doesn’t ring true to you?
David – I just don’t see how saying “You’re welcome” when someone says “thank-you” implies they “owe” you something?
If anything, it seems to me that one is leaving the social interaction hanging and “owes” something by NOT responding to “thank-you” in the accepted manner.
It seems like everyone is making a big drama out of what should be a simple, basic thing. I dunno, maybe it’s just me.
“You’re welcome” does complete the interaction, but it acknowledges that a favor has truly been done.
“No problem” means nothing has happened, and the whole thing should be forgotten.
I’m not one to kvetch about the decline of manners–tweaking Twitter keeps me so busy–but my contention is that this “no problem” business has to do with a kind of forced leveling process that’s happening with all of us.
It’s not just you, Kristen. Holy over analysis, Batman!
Language and its associated conventions change. I agree that it’s not a manners issue. I say “please” and “thank you” and sometimes I say “you’re welcome.” But sometimes I say “no problem” and I don’t mean to imply any inconvenience or fear of intimacy – I actually mean “I was happy to help out because it was in no way a burden of any notable measure for me to assist you, and as such I would be pleased to do so again.” It just seems a little easier to say “no problem” instead.
Nobody says “I am happy to make your acquaintance” anymore either. We just say “nice to meet you.” Does that imply an unwillingness to infer that any sort of acquaintance will continue beyond the initial meeting? Probably not. Somewhere along the way, conventions changed. I’d be fascinated to know what we said before we started saying “you’re welcome” because according to the online etymology dictionary the first recorded use of it in response to thank you was only in 1907.
Don’t get me wrong – I abhor the apparent decline of language and genuine literacy among “the kids” these days. I hate that “web 2.0” was just named the one millionth word in the English language. That’s probably why I’ve surrounded by 18-month old son with books. And for the record: he says “you ‘elcome” – usually before I even say “thank you.”
Ah, Rueben, you fight my over-analysis with some over-analysis of your own!
(Seriously, though, good find on etymology of “you’re welcome.”)
“Language and its associated conventions change.”
They usually change for a reason, though. (For the simplest instance, terms like “make hay while the sun shines” are increasingly old-fart stuff, as their original roots are lost on a post-agrarian population.)
I’m simply trying to get at the reason for the decline of “you’re welcome” and the rise of “no problem,” and no one has offered a good theory yet!
I usually say “sure thing,” so what does that mean?
Probably that I’m hella cool.
That’d be my linguistic analysis, KB.
Touché, David.
Maybe it is as simple as that people like to say something different and then it somehow just catches on. It’s like picking up a catch phrase from Saturday Night Live and suddenly everyone is saying it. I’m just not convinced there is some deeper societal force at play.
Oh Rueben, you’re so naive.
(Unless, of course, you’re absolutely right, which is quite likely.)
Next time someone looks me in the eye and genuinely thanks me for something, I’ll climb on board the “trend”–even take it a step further and respond with “Hey, not like it gave me vaginal warts or anything.”
Wow. Suzanne. Can’t top your comment.
Kristen, don’t hate me, but I occasionally (often) say “no problem” instead of “you’re welcome.” In French, one says “de rien,” meaning “it was nothing.” “No problem” and “de rien” are equivalent to me. I don’t see “no problem” as impolite as much as I see “you’re welcome” as oddly imperious and regal.
Of course, with those older than I am, I always use “you’re welcome.” And I teach my children to do the same.
Amy, I could NEVER hate you, and you’re correct of course about the translation of “de rien”.
However, I DO think it was just a *tad* impolite, unnecessary, and insensitive of you to remind everyone out here that I am OLDER than you!
(Kidding!! That was a joke!!!! 😉
Wow, Amy, speaking of being language-sensitive! You’re right, saying “you’re welcome” to the more casual among us CAN come off as imperious.
As happens with the right kinds of blog posts, a lot came out of this little discussion.
So, thank you Suzanne, and thank you all.
Je t’aime bien, ma chere Kristen. Besides, if you’re older than I am, it’s only by mere seconds, which makes me… wait for it… 24! That’s hardly an age for Geritol or Depends.
Don’t thank me, David OR Kristen, because I now can’t figure out how to reply! Maybe, “de rien”? But how imperious and regal will I look answering in French??
Eeks. Must go sign up for hermit lessons.
David,
You’re welcome.
Suzanne
I say “You’re most welcome” quite often. Does that make me imperiously imperious?
In short, Michael, yes.
Long live the king!
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