My psychologist sister Susan is going to start an advice column, telling people to get their own psychological house in order and stop blaming others for their troubles.
I'm trying to help her with subheads. One I rejected:
"It won't be your asshole boss in your deathbed."
Which reminds me of a counselor who once told me, "Wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up faster."
And my mother's pithy line, whose origin I don't know but that I use with Scout four times a day: "Tough gazzots."
Got any favorite hard-assed advice? Let's have it!
“Get used to it.” –A boss to an employee who said they were feeling overwhelmed.
“I wish you’d handle your pain better.” –Thanks, Dad.
“Yeah, a lot of that seems to be going around these days.” –a boss’s response to an employee’s announcement that her uncle had died.
“Move on.” This is the phrase my sister-in-law uses to stop my brother from whining about his troubles. I think it’s hilariously curt.
I’m also reminded of a vulgar old joke from my uncle Jim Russell, may he rest in peace. His hard-assed cure for a cough: “Stick one thumb in your bum and the other in your mouth. Whenever you have to cough, switch fingers.”
Jesus, Ron, “switch fingers.” Hilarious.
The bitchiest reply I ever saw was a Ragan editor who was bickering over e-mail with her sister-in-law to be. The sister-in-law wrote a long, impassioned argument for her side.
The Ragan editor replied only,
“Um, do you work?”
This one isn’t exactly original, because I believe most parents have used it on a truculent child at some point or another (I know MY Mom certainly used it on ME!), but it certainly fits in nicely:
“Who told you life was FAIR?!”
I had a friend who would respond to long, impassioned arguments or complaints with a perfectly blase “you’ll get over it.” When you’re on the receiving end of that, it’s infuriating. When you’re an objective third-party observer, it’s hilarious.
I’m also a huge fan of “suck it up.”
>>”Who told you life was FAIR?!”
Like Kristen, I think this is used quite often, but my favorite story goes like this:
A neighbor (K, it was HER), and I attended a Christmas Mothers’ Night Out function. The social event included a cookie exchange. (As background, a cookie exchange works like this: Everyone who agrees to bring a dozen cookies gets to take a dozen cookies home, so you end up with a variety of yummies.)
Now, if you choose not to participate, that is fine, but you do not get to take any cookies home.
When the neighbor and I returned to her house, her husband asked her about the event. Her response, in a shocked voice, was as follows: “They had all these cookies and we weren’t offered one! Not even one!!!”
Before I knew it, I had snickered out loud and said “Grow up.”
A construction contractor friend was accused by a customer of unprofessional behavior on the job.
“You think I’m unprofessional?” he said, flabbergasted. “You think I’m unproFESSional? Well FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!”
@ Craig, another phrase applies to all of us American children equally–from the home-buyers to the bankers who sold and bundled the loans to the pols who encouraged it:
“We just can’t help ourselves.”
And what about the rest of us? We all shook our heads for years at these no-money-down loans. What were the banks thinking? We didn’t know, and we didn’t care. We figured the grownups were in charge of running the banks and more grownups were in charge of regulating them. And besides, it wasn’t our problem.
Well yes, it most certainly was.
My favorite was “Put that in your pipe and smoke it!” which was my mom’s way of saying, deal with it. She still says it today, at the sassy age of 77.
In response to anyone who ever says “I didn’t have a choice” or “I HAD to do it,” my standard response is, “What? Did someone hold your head underwater until you agreed to do it?”
And yes, my children heard that frequently when they were growing up. Along with: “If you don’t have a temperature, aren’t bleeding or vomiting, you’re going to school.”
This is a newer favourite that, while I first saw it in one of those stupid email jokes, I actually did hear someone say this to a co-worker once:
“And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be…??”
I had to leave the room so I could howl with laughter without getting involved!!
Went “four wheeling” with a crazy man once in Colorado. I asked him how far the jeep could tip before it rolled over.
“I don’t know,” he said. “But if I say ‘jump’ and you say ‘what?’ you’re talking to yourself.”
My kids brought this home from elementary school, and YES, I’ve used it at work:
“Ya git whatcha git, and ya don’t pitch a fit!”
Reminds me of the old Great Depression slogan: “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.”
From a personal trainer at a fitness club I used to belong to: “You want a little cheese with that whine?”
When someone tells a sob story, raise your hand.
Rub your thumb and first finger together.
You’re playing “My Heart Bleeds for You” on the world’s smallest violin.