Writing Boots

Someone I know was let go today—I don't know the circumstances—and he stopped on the way out, to hit his ex-employer on the ass with a door:

***

From: REDACTED
Sent: Monday, October 13, 2008 11:03 AM
To: [ALL EMPLOYEES]
Subject: happy trails to me….

Dear suckers,

Looks like I’m out of here.

I wish you all well.

Even the assholes.

I’m just kidding, of course.

But seriously, you know who you are.

Anyone wants to get in touch, email me at REDACTED.

If you don’t want to get in touch… then don’t dress that way.  You know you were asking for it.

I’d like to leave you all with my favorite joke.  Many of you have already heard it.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Unique up on it!

Follow up: How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Tame way, unique up on it.

Oh, and by the way, thanks to me you all have syphilis.  No joke.  Boy, is that a load off my mind.  I didn’t know how to tell you, so silver lining, this gave me a great opportunity.

Most free clinics can take car[e] of that for you.

Anyway, best of luck you guys.

Sincerely,

***

In a similar situation, I only hope I'd have such presence of mind—and disregard for my severance package.

The other night I heard Suze Orman on CNN, predicting that we might see “bread lines” before this economic downturn is through.
My daughter Scout takes a broader view.

Employee communication consultant Tom Lee called and left me a message this afternoon. He's looking for a few good business euphemisms beyond the usual "rightsizing." Though I've been awash in business euphemisms my whole career ("career" itself being a euphemism in this case), I was as stumped as Tom.

I e-mailed him:

I think the reason you’re having a hard time coming up with these euphemistic howlers is that “rightsizing” is a rare example of a euphemism that’s ALWAYS a euphemism. As for others, a challenge sometimes really is a challenge, and an opportunity really is an opportunity.

Meanwhile, perfectly good words, like “merger,” can be euphemisms. (When Wal-Mart buys Piggly Wiggly, it won’t be a merger, it’ll be an acquisition.)

Sometimes when a consultant says he’d prefer not to “get into the tall grass” an issue but he’d be happy to talk about it “offline,” he’s dodging the client’s question. Other times, he’s just trying to keep the meeting on track.

Sometimes “synergy” means shit-canning half the combined workforce … and sometimes it means the executives really believe the two companies are going to be greater than the sum of their parts.

As for good old “rightsizing,” it’s never good; but downsizing and layoffs are not euphemisms for “firing people,” which implies you’re doing it for cause.

It has everything to do with intent, which is different in every case.

I also told him I'd run it by Writing Boots readers and see if they could help.

Well, readers?