My Canadian pal Ron Shewchuk told me this joke a hundred years ago: Q. How do you get 50 drunk Canadians out of a pool? A. Say, "Guys, get out of the pool."
Saturday night I was flipping through channels and ran across a football game. Was it preseason NFL? No, because the 50-yard line was the 55, the end zones were the size of provincial parks, and I heard a player being penalized for "objectionable conduct."
What other infractions draw flags from the Mounties of the Canadian Football League?
Gawkish maneuvering, perhaps?
Unnecessary jostling?
Boorishness with the ball?
Intentional impertinence?
Untoward tackling?
I wonder if the fellows even get concussions up there. Or is it mere cranial vexation that they suffer?
You lovely Canadians: You can brag about your conservative prick of a prime minister all you want. We know you took a certain sneaky pride in that Falstaffian Toronto mayor of yours. And now you're even doing your share to contribute to global warming with them goopy tar sands of yours.
But try as you might to compete with Americans, you'll always be nicer, in football and in life.
So why don't you just give it up!? Embrace your fresh-scrubbed saintliness, rather than tarnishing it to no good end. Vote for a human being for prime minister in October—someone who can help lead you back to being the martyr we need, and proof that the U.S. doesn't have to be so fat, selfish and dumb. And keep your rivers clean.
Be as good as we know you are, Canada.
Guys, get out of the pool.
Clearly, you are not keeping up with my rantish Facebook posts if you need to write that admonition about the upcoming election, AND about our feelings on the FORMER [thank every god available] nightmare of a Toronto mayor. I AM DOING EVERYTHING I POSSIBLY CAN to convince my fellow Canadians to elect a human.
Geez, keep up wouldja??!!
Far from it, Kristen. You are one of my Canadian moral instructors, without whom I would not have come to my enlightened point of view. So I thank you. On behalf of all Americans, I thank you.
Now, you’re just messing with me, aren’t you?!
We may be nice up here, but we aren’t gullible . . . mostly.
Not messing with you, really. I have a number of Canadian friends who I rightly or wrongly count as the Canadian conscience. You’re certainly one of them–and one of the most vocal. I really do appreciate your take on all matters.
Wow! What a nice thing to say, David. Thank you! You just made my week!
Well, Kristen, that makes my day.
Rob Ford… Donald Trump… what is becoming of North America??