My Canadian pal Ron Shewchuk told me this joke a hundred years ago: Q. How do you get 50 drunk Canadians out of a pool? A. Say, "Guys, get out of the pool."
Saturday night I was flipping through channels and ran across a football game. Was it preseason NFL? No, because the 50-yard line was the 55, the end zones were the size of provincial parks, and I heard a player being penalized for "objectionable conduct."
What other infractions draw flags from the Mounties of the Canadian Football League?
Gawkish maneuvering, perhaps?
Boorishness with the ball?
I wonder if the fellows even get concussions up there. Or is it mere cranial vexation that they suffer?
You lovely Canadians: You can brag about your conservative prick of a prime minister all you want. We know you took a certain sneaky pride in that Falstaffian Toronto mayor of yours. And now you're even doing your share to contribute to global warming with them goopy tar sands of yours.
But try as you might to compete with Americans, you'll always be nicer, in football and in life.
So why don't you just give it up!? Embrace your fresh-scrubbed saintliness, rather than tarnishing it to no good end. Vote for a human being for prime minister in October—someone who can help lead you back to being the martyr we need, and proof that the U.S. doesn't have to be so fat, selfish and dumb. And keep your rivers clean.
Be as good as we know you are, Canada.
Guys, get out of the pool.