Six Early Signs of Senility

1. Words popping into your head from absolutely nowhere. Words like, "mesothelioma."

2. The question, "Am I getting fat?" still no closer to being resolved seven years after you tore your suit pants, sneezing.

3. Surprise farts!

4. The one-beer buzz, the five-beer fuzz, the 12-beer was.

5. Anxiety about nothing, which you're too cowardly to call "fear of everything."

6. The slow replacement of convictions by suspicions, instincts by habits, feelings by excuses, ideas by opinions (and opinions by one random thing that happened to you on a trip to Italy when you were) and essays by lists.

Feel free to add your own signs to this list—and stay tuned for tomorrow, when I reveal Six Early Signs of Wisdom.