Dear Scout:
It will occasionally occur to you that you ought to be doing more for a lover, a family member, a friend or a group of troubled strangers than you are doing. If you feel that way, you're probably right.
But the moment any one of these people tells you you aren't doing enough (or even implies such a thing), tell them immediately to go fuck themselves, and mean it.
Love,
Dad
I’m trying to wrap my head around this piece of advice, and I’m not sure I agree (although I reserve the right to think about it some more). At a minimum, I can say with confidence that you’d blow your brains out if you were in my family.
Look. Each of us has a hundred people and a thousand demands on our minds and souls. We each also have a world of potential friends to access.
Now imagine telling me that, despite all the demands on my finite time and energy and emotional generosity (some of these demands you know about and most you probably don’t) … and despite all the options available in the world to you … you’re going to turn to me and say, “Murray, would it kill you to e-mail me a little more often?”
You would never do that.
It’s a bullshit thing to do.
When it comes to relationships, the only policy is: You take what you get, and you give what you give.
Anyone who wants to enumerate all the things I might be giving them if only I was a better guy … no. No time for them fuckers.
I’m not sure I’ve ever personally used that gambit, but I’ve had it used on me way too many times to count. What I’m trying to process is whether the appropriate response is to tell them (or even to think) they should go fuck themselves.
In my life, certain familial relationships seem to carry an implied level of “give.” When I have received the message that I’m not giving enough, it at times has caused some positive introspection that has led to better relationships. To be sure, my initial reaction to those sorts of tactics is similar to yours; I’m just not sure that’s always the right response in my experience.
Well, Jason, maybe you actually do need reminders from people that you ought to be giving them more.
[insert passive-aggressive smiley-winky-face thing here]
And maybe I need to exclude “lovers” from that list, because believe it or not, I have been found wanting by my lover more than once.
But in relationships, a general rule that people who wonder what their country can do for them will drag your ass down and leave you with the least useful, most destructive feeling in the world: guilt.
I would exclude mothers, too.
No. You exclude mothers, and you blow the whole rule. (Easy for me to say, mine has been dead for 21 years.)
Go ahead and break the rule if you want. But wise mothers don’t want their kids to be saddled with guilt.
And that (among other reasons) is why I say that if you lived in my family, you’d be wise to stay away from sharp knives.
“It will occasionally occur to you that you ought to be doing more for a friend. If you feel that way, you’re probably right.”
If you NEVER feel that way, you’re probably wrong. I get the message David, I’ll e-mail more often.
Yeah, John, I’ll believe it when I see it.
David, how come you don’t call me more often?
You know I get away with that because Crescenzo calls you even less.
Ha!
A disturbing discussion today for the same reason I don’t like Facebook
What if your mom is your lover? Then that bitch can get away with anything.
I’m in tune with your advice, and agree with it. Probably wouldn’t choose your exact wording for the retort to someone telling you you’re not doing enough for them, but I agree with it in principle.