IABC World Conference | Writing Boots

I have some real bad news. Those of us who are not at the IABC World Conference in Toronto this week are officially, and maybe permanently, out of step with people who we heretofore considered our peers.

Last night's conference-opening keynote session transformed the crowd into an army of cultural, intellectual and emotional African superheroes.

"In parts of Africa, communities gather in the village center to play music before vital decisions are made," according to the material promoting the session, put on by a group of drummers called Drum Cafe. "The music creates a sense of belonging and unity, fostering more effective decision-making."

That's right. Today you and I are actually making poorer decisions than our betters, who also learned "diversity in thought" by slapping and clapping to the beat of this drumming crew!

And we're limited in so many other ways, too. Because while we were making Sunday dinner, the drummers (through their drumming) showed conference-goers "how to listen, play to the same beat, explore techniques to recover and grow as a team, and recognize your unique voice and contributions."

While we read the funny papers, a big chunk of our profession was giving themselves over to "demonstrating passion and energy, and taking growth to a new level" and celebrated their "energy, colleagues and accomplishments." Were we among the colleagues they rhythmically celebrated? I highly doubt it.

While we folded laundry, they were learning how to "build community" and "transcend traditional barriers such as hierarchy, gender, culture and geography to ensure open communication."

I'd like to be at next year's IABC show, but it's going to be hard to face these supermen and überwomen, these diverse-thinking, effective decision-making, listening, exploring, recovering, growing, recognizing, celebrating, building, transcendental open communicommandos!

Drum Cafe, for the love of music, don't leave us behind!!!!!!!

A couple of weeks ago I got IABC's World Conference brochure in the mail.

The conference is June 6-9 in Toronto and I can't go because that week I'm covering a rodeo school in Cody, Wyo.

(That's right, a rodeo school. What's it to you?)

So I set the brochure aside.

I didn't throw it away, because the IABC conference brochure is a perennial column or blog item: I leaf through and cherry-pick windbaggiest, most overblown session titles that bespeak an association flattering its members with self-important pretensions and professional pieties.

Finally, I got around to leafing through this year's book—and found not a single bogus session description.

Uh oh.

My built-in, shock-proof bullshit detector must be worn out. For all these years, I took it, like a sump pump, for granted. And now it doesn't work.

I went back through the brochure.

"Engage employees to out-behave the competition."

Ah ha!

"In this session, participants will be introduced to the five Brand Integrity Dimensions that serve as the foundation for building a visible and powerful brand for any organization. When implemented through employee behaviors, the dimensions dramatically enhance the work culture and drive consistently good, profitable customer experiences."

Okay, that's a little bullshitty. It's Bullshit Light.

And there's also the obligatory smarmy day-three keynote: Two hopelessly young white fellows, organizers of a "youth empowerment" outfit called Free The Children, are giving a session cloyingly titled, "Me to We: How to help employees find meaning in a material world."

Well, there has to be some time to go to the hotel bar guilt-free.

So my b.s.-detector is working, and these are the only bullshit sessions I can find among the dozens in the brochure? Guess I picked the wrong year to miss the IABC show.

Bravo, IABC. Have a great conference.

As for the annual brochure critique: I guess I'll have to wait 'til next year.

Dancing on our professional graves, to the beat of their own drummer

IABC conference brochure contains very few b.s. session descriptions!