I feel I have to tell you how I hope you’ll process this one—and what I hope you do and do not say about it.
I offer it like that regular feature in Harper’s magazine, “Readings.” I want you to not ask any questions or posit any suspicions about where exactly it came from, because that doesn’t matter, and I’m not going to say.
I also want you to understand that though some of this will come off as absurd to you—as it does to me, which is of course why I’m sharing it—as a parent to a new college freshman, I read pretty much all of it with stomach-churning empathy, for Parents Losing Their Minds With Worry and Hope as Their Beloved Child Embarks on Life, Alone.
So, in the spirit of love (mixed with gentle anonymous ridicule, of course)—some entries in a Facebook group for parents of new college freshmen, this fall.
Is anyone else just really disappointed in their student’s experience thus far? My daughter lives in J______ Hall, and it has been one thing after another. The washer didn’t finish the spin cycle and took forever to get that issue solved. It’s hot despite the AC, the printer on the 1st floor has NO paper to be found, other students don’t keep their doors open so there goes making friends, and the girls are not making it to the toilet before they barf after a night of drinking, or just do it right in the middle of the hall.
I get that this is part of the college experience, but to not have a stock of paper for the printer and it’s only the start of the second week seems a bit… unreasonable. We were told not to bring personal printers so we didn’t.
My student is desperate to come home because she hates living at [school] but loves her classes. She was excited for the club fair but then it was rained out and so far no “rain date” has been set that she has seen. She’s tried putting herself out there but nothing has really stuck and the residence hall issues are making her anxiety go off the richter.
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Does anyone know how to a request a room change? It’s definitely not working out at all for my granddaughter?
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My daughter is in S_____ Hall and the power is out. Is it out in other dorms too?
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Is anyone kiddos having issues with dining halls…the wait or quality…
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My son thinks he has pink eye. Anywhere he can go on Sunday at This time ?
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Long shot but if anyone’s [student] happens to find a pair of glasses could you let me know. My daughter thinks hers fell from her bag walking back to J_____ yesterday from practice at the stadium .
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Mad mom post….my son just called to let us know his bike was stolen.
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Our daughter is loving most things [at school] but she’s not into parties and is feeling a little lost on weekends. I know several people have posted about this so sorry for the repeat ask but do you have any suggestions? She loves writing (creative writing major), not into sports or crowds, not religious, into social justice/activism… TIA
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I guess I am the only pain in the rear parent who gets crap for suggesting that the kid actually gets off [bar strip] before 1am on a night before an early class.
I wish I was as smart / wise / and As worldly as an 18 year old.
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My freshman son is taking History Of Rock and Roll and really struggling.
Many of these posts received dozens of heartfelt responses from fellow parents—some advising these folks to “land the helicopter,” and some specifically telling them (for godsakes) to take their kids off the “Life 360” app, so they don’t torture themselves (and their child)—night out, and night out.
And if my wife and I have handled ourselves a little better than some of these folks, it has required daily discipline and constant self-control. I’ll say that the effort it has taken not to over-parent since our daughter went off to college two months ago has been every bit as great and calorie-burning as any effort at parenting, at any other stage of her life.
Thinking hard, about what to say, and how to say it. Training ourselves in a new mindset, and a new relationship with her. Remembering what it was like to be her age. Listening to her so much more, and telling her so much less. Letting her know, just by standing back, that we want her, we trust her, we expect her, to fly.
The letting go requires as much vigilance as it did to keep her from falling down the stairs, as a toddler. (Which she only did once.) But this vigilance is internal, and it’s none of her business. She calls, we answer. She texts, “I miss you,” we text “we miss you, too.” She needs anything, we’re there. But she should also have room to go three days, or three weeks, without thinking much about us, at all—and not have us feverishly demanding to know if they’ve finally stocked the printer on the first floor with paper.
I feel really good about how we’ve handled this stage so far. And I feel great about how she’s handled it. And if I didn’t feel she was doing great? Well, then I wouldn’t be doing so great, either. And there’s no telling who I’d be turning to publicly and haplessly, in the desperation I would surely feel.
In any case: I’ll keep watching this Facebook group for feelings I can relate to—and, I hope, behaviors I can avoid.
I wish every parent thought about being a parent as much as you guys do.
A lot do. I just got off the phone with a pal who has a kid who truly does need support with school stuff—and these parents agonize CONSTANTLY about when to intervene and when to let the kid rely on school resources. They know as well as we do how important it is to let go … but letting go is sixteen times as complicated an act for them. I admire them, too—and a kajillion other parents who are doing this the best way they possibly can.
I have never been a parent, so I kinda feel like I don’t have a right to respond. On the other hand, I had what I consider to have been some pretty fantastic parents, so maybe I do?
I recall when I was five, I wandered down the block to play with the six and seven year olds down the street. They wouldn’t have any of me and called me a choice name or two (probably accurate, but that’s beside the point). When I arrived home crying, my mother’s reply was, “You can’t expect me to fight your battles for you.” Let me repeat, I was five when she said this.
Flash forward to high school. I encountered few problems. But when I did, the refrain I remember my mother and stepfather uttering was, “What options for solving this problem can you see?”
So, maybe not, but MAYBE that’s part of the reason I confidently left home for my own apartment (never to return again) at age 19. Left corporate life at 26 to start my own business. Traveled to 40 countries on my own before age 30. Have been self-employed now for 40 years.
Different kids require different parenting. Everybody’s got to figure it out, I suppose.. And to be honest, I think my parents probably made me TOO independent.
But I think I still prefer that to having to clutch my pearls in a field somewhere and desperately glance up at the sky as I wait for my parents to land the helicopter, praying to God the whole time that they didn’t forget to bring the ream of paper for the first floor printer.
Terrific, Jeff.