I always wanted a Chicago daily newspaper to pay me to hang out at the McCormick Place convention center and just report on the weirdest conference taking place there every day. Like a conclave of professional speechwriters, for instance.
Short of that, I could write a daily blog by just scrolling through LinkedIn and making fun of people trying to be “professional.”
People call their corporate tenures “amazing.” What, exactly, was “amazing” about your six years working as a comtroller at Western Power Corporation?
The glibbest fuck wins. This has been going around LinkedIn communication circles, for instance. “Likes” out the wazoo. It means exactly nothing.
Rhymes with glib fuck: Gary Vaynerchuk. And if you don’t know who that is, don’t look him up.
In glib fuck’s poker, the first glib fuck doesn’t stand a chance. “Quote of the day: ‘When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. When I let go of what I have, I receive what I need.’ — Tao Te Ching” Yes, Chinese people can be glib fucks too. Confucius was huge on LinkedIn.
(The only people who get more likes than glib fucks are the sanctimonious fucks, who post phony homilies on such courageous themes as the importance of never badmouthing competitors.)
Twain supposedly said, “When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Cincinnati because it’s always 20 years behind the times.” Now, that’s LinkedIn. The other night I read this bolt from the blue: “We’re seeing the most innovative companies are continuing to shift to video.”
People telling you they are excited about things.
“Serial entrepreneur,” as a term of admiration.
Sentences like, “Storytelling is only table stakes.”
And people who say those things, with a straight face.
And across this vast white wasteland, not an ounce of truth or a new idea, because such things bead on LinkedIn and run off, like water off a glib fuck’s back.
In the name of Frederick Winslow Taylor, what a waste of everybody’s time.