Can we take a break from the incessant listicles of writing tips to fuck around a little bit?
The Professional Speechwriters Association's writing coach Mike Long and his evil brother Todd did last Friday, riffing off "20 Pieces of Writing Advice From William Faulkner."
And they were off. Mike got off to a fast start:
Mike: "Put an apple in your mouth. Keep it there. Pros write with an apple in their mouth. Mouths. Whatever. Dummy."
Mike: "If you don't have a moustache or can't grow one, make one. Until I was 30, I removed the ribbon from my Smith-Corona and rubbed it over my lip. Used my wife's eyeliner for highlights. Fooled 'em all. Hic."
Todd: "Trust me: drink enough gin and you could have written 'The Sound and the Fury' too."
Mike: "Drawing little pictures isn't writing. Know it, live it. This held me back for f***ing years."
Todd: "You want a Hemingway story? I'll give you a Hemingway story. Somebody's drunk, somebody's shooting a rifle, somebody's fighting a bull. Boom. Hemingway story. He made a career out of peddling that crap. Jerk off."
Mike: "Good artists copy. Great artists steal. Did you like 'As I Lay Dying'? I got the whole thing from a Bazooka Joe comic."
Todd: "Zelda Fitzgerald? Yeah, I tapped that."
Mike: "My middle name is Cuthbert. Cuthbert. Thanks, mom. Bartender!"