All times Central Standard. Most recent posts at top.
11:17
As my old man used to say to a girlfriend with whom he fought most of the day every day, "'night, Betty. We'll try 'er again tomorrow."
11:15
This seriously takes the pressure off my emceeing performances at speechwriters events.
11:09
Lalalalalalalalalalalalalala I callllllelddddddd iitttttttttttttttttt. Ahem.
11:05
Warren Beatty's was the most tentative political "statement" I've ever "heard."
11:01
Emma Stone praises Ryan Gosling for "raising the bar." World class!
10:53
Casey Affleck is not a happy man. (They rarely take away what you intend to give off.)
10:46
La La Land! I totally called it! How will the director thank Hollywood for thanking him for paying tribute to them? Ah, in much the same manner as everyone else has thanked everyone else. Wouldn't it be cool if one of these people told one quick story that somehow illustrated their gratitude, rather than just listing people's names and saying how excited they are? It would take creativity and courage, and I dunno, I guess that's just not "Hollywood."
10:38
This was supposed to be over eight minutes ago and they're just getting to the big awards. If 60 Minutes ran 77 minutes every goddamn Sunday, we would change the name or cancel the son of a bitch.
10:36
Screenplay. Closest thing to speechwriting! "Next four years" reference. Subtle and quick. Is that only the sixth reference, most of them glancing, to Trump politics. So far, far less than we expected, wouldn't you agree?
10:33
Now that's a loving, proportional, appropriate acceptance speech. The Manchester by the Sea guy.
10:30
I am grinning imbecilically at Ben and Matt because I want them to know that I know they're cool, and am thus cool myself. I might be getting a little drunk.
10:23
Joni Mitchel brings me back from snarkdom. And here comes a Facebooker who is "curious" about how people who criticize the Oscar show would do the show if it were up to them. Imagine how tedious Facebook or life would be if constructive was the only criticism allowed. Back to Snarksville!
10:21
Yes, we can see you are freaking out. Now freak off.
10:19
This is out of my expertise, but ScarJo does seem to be wearing a large sample of human tissue. And she messed up her hair getting it on.
10:17
I liked Hurwitz's ratio of people thanked vs. people bored. His lips to Richard Gere.
10:07
We do toast the winners of the Cicero Speechwriting Awards at the annual World Conference of the Professional Speechwriters Association, by the way. They happily and humbly receive their the applause of their peers. But they don't presume to give speeches thanking their seventh-grade English teacher and the late Ted Sorensen and all their clients, even the asshole ones, and the No. 2 Pencil Company. And they're fucking speechwriters!
10:05
Mean Tweets keeps me going a bit longer. But Christ I hope this doesn't go late. I'm so bored I'm not even interested in getting drunk.
10:00
This is like the Super Bowl without good commercials or a halftime show, or football.
9:52
Everyone stand to support the White Helmets. In the absence of a call to action, a clever call to action–and the first one tonight.
9:33
Am I the only one who feels extreme anxiety when speakers thank people off the top of their heads? Do not do that!
9:22
A conservative communicator Facebooks that he won't watch Oscars tonight but he's sure that they'll be comparing Trump to Hitler, claiming that actors are brave because they dare to oppose Trump, and saying, "if you don't agree with us that makes you a horrible person." So far he's going a lot further than they are.
9:17
All speeches would end better with a swell of music at the end. And we could do away with that horrible anticlimactic Q&A. "Thanks everybody and have a great conference!"
9:13
Has anyone ever claimed an Oscar about which the winner said, "This award belongs to you"? Hand the fucker over, Meryl!
9:12
While making last comment I missed fourth or fifth political reference. Something about a wall. Against it, he was.
9:10
The Piper dudes just gave a speech that seemed in the right emotional proportion to their achievement. Proportion is a big and underrated aspect of all speeches.
9:09
It is just so funny to think of an accountant or a lawyer or a pipefitter or a speechwriter winning an industry award and thanking people in Viola Davis-type histrionics. How can these people not be a little self-conscious about this?
8:59
Three political references in acceptance speeches so far? Or four? The Iranian film director weighs in with his feet, and a simple statement. So far, escalating cred on these political statements. On the scale from, "I am famous so I will say something" to "I have something unique to say about this that I'd be remiss not to say," we're moving the right direction.
8:53
"Viola Davis just got nominated for an Emmy for that Oscar speech!"
8:50
Viola Davis speech was prepared. "Exhumed and exalted." "People and words and life and forgiveness and grace." And heartfelt. And overwrought. And sparkly. And in the end forgettable. But that's OK I guess. What would I do with that platform? What would you do?
8:35
I realize I haven't said one interesting thing yet. Neither has anyone else.
8:33
Blogging does make the Oscars go faster. The wine, too.
8:30
Sound mixing. This would be like the Cicero Speechwriting Awards having a proofreading category. (This guy could play Fred Rogers in the movie. And he gave a Fred Rogers-worthy little speech.)
8:28
I would truly struggle to utter a word with a clock actually counting down in my face.
8:24
This introducer seems to be trying to follow a moving teleprompter screen. I've been there before, but never sober.
8:13
That's two.
8:02
Ms. Costumes looked in genuine shock going up there. And suddenly calm, self-possessed and businesslike on the stage. Speakers are like a box of chocolates.
8:00
The first political statement. We won't judge, we'll just try to count 'em. That's one.
7:58
Another writer friend's dress descriptions that sound like speech critiques: "TOO MUCH of a -not-a-good thing … I want to like this but years from now it will seem stodgy and stuffy …. it's layered and gorgeous and timeless … it fits like a glove and it's different … how many, many times have we seen this? … needs TAILORING, people."
7:50
Of course you always suspect an actor's tears. Kind of like a speechwriter's rhetoric.
7:46
Good concept, but that Academy Award speech montage could have been great if someone had spent the time.
7:40
President Trump is the new small talk. Whether you're the Oscars host or a soccer dad, you have to get a Trump mention or two in, just to be polite.
7:00
A Writing Boots regular is doing her annual red-carpet review right now. She describes dresses that may, if it is an interesting evening, describe some of the speeches too—the full range of provocative, classy and memorable to lame, gauche and fun to insult.
Sexy, sparkly and unusual
It's not horrible
Different from everyone else so far.
Blah.
Blecht!
All of it is ridiculous, over-the-top, f-ugly shit!
It's Oscar appropriate, it fits well and it's pretty.
***
Lots of people blog the red carpet fashions. Who blogs the Academy Awards acceptance speeches? The editor of Vital Speeches of the Day, that's who. This poor bastard's wife commanded him not to live blog tonight, but rather to just relax. He decided to honor her to the extent that he'll wipe out a bottle of red in the process, so that when it comes time the acceptance speech for Best Picture, it'll be La La Land in any case.
Happy, Honey?
I feel complimented . . . which, of course, makes me about as lame as it gets. But I’m okay with that, since this is probably as close to my 15 minutes as I’m getting!
Oh come on, Kristen your and Amy’s fashion reviews are far more interesting than the above b.s.
My fave part, DaMurr: “And here comes a Facebooker who is “curious” about how people who criticize the Oscar show would do the show if it were up to them. Imagine how tedious Facebook or life would be if constructive was the only criticism allowed. Back to Snarksville!”
And to that I say… AMEN
Signed,
co-Mayor of Snarksville