"Don't drink or eat anything colored or red or purple and skip alcoholic drinks while you prep."
Oh yeah. I'll just go ahead and "skip" alcoholic drinks on the quavering eve of the first major medical test of my 45-year-long Life of Riley. Just skip 'em—sidestep 'em, trot past them, sashay on by those silly little alcoholic drinks as if they were nothing at all.
I know what these pricks are doing here. So do they. And so do you. They know and I know and you know what they're doing with that word "skip." And it ain't honest! You "skip" a paragraph here and there, you "skip" flossing your teeth when you're on vacation, you "skip" algebra class, you "skip" bail, you "skip" town and you "skip" stones.
Alcohol, I don't care who you are, you do not "skip."
What you do with alcohol is abstain or refrain. And both rhyme with pain.
Nosirree, Doc. If you're going to sentence me to 30 hours without food or booze, I'm going to have a look up the statute. Online, I learn that the reason you don't drink before a colonoscopy is, "beer and other alcoholic beverages encourage dehydration because they cause your kidneys to produce more urine. This effect can lead to your spending extra time in the bathroom before your procedure, an unwelcome addition to time you'll already need to cleanse your colon. Dehydration can cause other unpleasant side effects, such as excess sweating, vomiting or diarrhea …."
If everyone "skipped alcoholic drinks" out of fear of those symptoms, there would be no St. Patrick's Day or New Year's Eve, and truth be told, we probably wouldn't bother with July 4, Thanksgiving or Easter either.
I followed the goddamn guidelines yesterday, but only because I don't want the doctor to smell booze on my farts.
Vodka, vodka everywhere, and not a drop to drink.