For many years now, I've had a book I've wanted to write. But I never get further than the title. Should it be, Assholes I Have Known? Should it be the more constructive, Assholes to Avoid? How about the elegantly simple and scientific, Types of Assholes?
I'm open to suggestions.
In any case: One type of asshole, as we all know, is the pompous asshole. And one way to identify this bird is by his call, which includes the repeating use of the phrase, "for the record."
"For the record, I believe gays should be able to marry," the pompous asshole sings over his cocktail.
"For the record, I believe in immigration reform," the same pompous asshole sings, in the same conversation.
"For the record, I believe gays should be able to marry illegal immigrants." And so on.
Aside from being irritatingly repetitive, all these "for the record" citations demand two questions:
What fucking record?
Are you talking about?
I went to the Library of Congress, and I asked the librarian. She said there is no record there of your political views and attitudes. I also Googled "you" and "the record," and my search did not match any documents. Is there another record, somewhere, where we can cross-check your obvious prejudices against your attempts to cover them up by your "on the record" statements?
There is no record, is there, Senator?
There is only you—the pompous things you say, and the assholeish things you do.
For a title, I’d combine your first two options and go with Assholes I Wish I Could Have Avoided.
Off the record, David, this is very funny. Let the record show I L’edOL For the record, I’m not at liberty to comment at this particular time. Until I find out if I’ve ever used this phrase in speaking to you.
Bill, for the record, I don’t think you have.